I left my heart in San Francisco

I just got back from San Francisco yesterday evening. I spent the weekend with my mom, sister in law and mother in law. It was a whirlwind trip but we had a ton of fun! We arrived in Oakland Friday morning and met my mom at the airport, she flew in from Washington. We took the bart over to the city and walked to our hotel. We met up with one of Brooke's friends from high school and we went out to lunch and did a little shopping. It was so nice to have a local's opinion of what to do and where to eat. Thanks Alexis! Saturday we got up and headed to the farmers market at the ferry building. Oh My Gosh! it was sooo awesome, the best farmers market I have ever been too. A lot like pike's place in Seattle or Fanuel Hall in Boston, but doesn't compare to any around here. We ate lunch at the Fog City Diner, and then went down to fishermans warf to rent bicycles for the rest of the day. We biked over the Golden Gate and into Sausalito. We found a cool wine bar called Wellingtons, we enjoyed good wine and played cards. It was nice to just hang out and relax, there were comfy chairs and couches to lounge. We took the ferry back to the city, returned our bikes, took a bus near to our hotel, and then found dinner at 10:00 at night. VERY long day! It would have been nice to sit in the jacuzzi but it closed at 11pm. The next morning we got packed up, checked out and walked to Union square. We hit up a couple shops and around noon headed back to Oakland on the bart. It was well worth it to fly into Oakland rather than SF. It was cheaper and a direct flight. It wasn't too bad figuring out how to get to the city. But next time, we will definately have to add a couple days to our trip. Friday to Sunday is WAY too short a trip to fit everything in. Until next time San Francisco, I will miss you!

O Happy Day

I think that I get too wrapped up in what other people are doing, or what they might think of me and I tend to lose sight of who I am. I am so busy doing kid stuff and taking care of the house and making sure there are clean clothes and food to eat, that I rarely have a moment of time for myself. That is why I stay up late, too late. Anyway, I have realized that it is so important to take care of myself first, or I won't have the energy to take care of the rest. I have to remember who I am in Christ, that I am His girl and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I have to take the time to fill my spirit, so I am able to give to the kids and my husband AND accomplish all the other tasks I have on my :to do" list. Through out my day I try to take a moment and thank God for what He has given me. I know that He will only put on my plate what He knows I can handle, all I have to do is put my Faith in the Lord and rely on Him to get me through.

Perspective

Today is Sunday. Lately I have been feeling like I have this heavy burden to carry around. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I feel physically and emotionally tired. I feel like I don't do enough fun things for my kids or am very involved in making thier lives fun. I feel like I am telling them what not to do more than having a good time with them. Maybe my burden is that I don't feel like I am being a good mother. I know that I can't be perfect and do everything right, I just feel like I'm not doing enough. I know that it's probably all in my head and my kids are just fine, but still it bothers me and I worry about it. Our pastor at church has been talking about stress in our lives and today the message was about living a simple life. We have to be childlike to get to the kingdom of heaven. I thought to myself, I wish I was still a child sometimes, and to rely on my parents for all my needs. Well, duh, that is exactly how Christ wants me to think about Him. He wants me to rely on Him for all my needs. He wants to take care of me and provide for me. He loves me unconditionally and all I have to do is go to Him. I need to give all my worries to God and He will take care of my every need. My children are happy, they are healthy and are fed and clothed and hear that I love them all the time. I guess I just needed to look to Christ to center my perspective.
The one thing that is a constant struggle is comparing myself, my life, my situation to others, and that is totally where I start thinking that my life is just not as good. I need to remember that God made me not like other people, myself and my circumstances are unique and I need to treat myself that way. I am special in the Lords sight, and He loves me no matter what.

I can do ALL things!

Last night was my last class for the summer. I do have to send in one of my finals by next week, but I can do that through email. So other than that I am all done until Sept. 7. I am looking forward to having the month of August off! I don't realize how much going to school takes away from my time with my husband and the kids until I stop. I am exhausted all the time and I find myself yelling way too often. At times I ask myself is it all worth it? Sometimes I want to just quit and be a substitute teacher for the rest of my life. That would be taking the easy way out. I know that God has planned for me to be in graduate school and He wouldn't put me in something He knew I couldn't handle. It is during those stressful times where I think I can't do it anymore that He wants me to lean on Him, because I can't do it alone. He is my strength and my peace. I thank God that I have been given the opportunity to go back to school and the chance to provide something more for my family and myself. I want to be an inspiration to my children and an influence to those around me. I want people to see that anything is possible with the power of the Holy Spirit. Through this process I know there are many more challenges up ahead, I know that I need to grow and become a leader and that scares me. I am not a born leader, I would much rather follow and be told what to do and how to do it. I can see the person God has chosen me to be, and it is only through His grace and His power that I will rise to challenge and conquer the fear within me. I live for a Mighty God, He is my rock and my shelter. I thank you Lord for loving me and taking care of me and always being by my side and for giving me the strenght to do the things I"m scared of and knowing that You got my back. I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.

At the moment

We got home from our camping trip last weekend and I am still trying to get things organized and back to "normal". It doesn't help that I am in my last week of class and have work to turn in on Monday...and our floor is tore up because my dad came down to lay laminate and the job is still in progress. So I feel all chaotic. And kids have been having trouble getting along. I feel like too much is going on at once and I'm on my one last nerve. I need a vacation from my vacation. And I probably should not be posting right now because I have other things that need to get done, but I guess I can look at it as my therapeutic outlet. I haven't been sewing lately, which is what I usually do for my sanity, so this is the next best thing. I am looking forward to my month long break before I have to start school again. It is definately needed. It is so hard going to school over the summer, I am just not motivated..not to mention I am constanly busy with three kids being home, every day. We have done some fun things this summer, but I am ready for them to go back to school. I love my kids dearly, but mama needs some quiet time. And I don't get it with three kids constanly arguing and yelling and running and being mean to eachother. Why can't we all just get along! I think it's nap time...

Those Crazy Moments

It does not pay off to procrastinate. Now I'm not exactly sure if that is what I've done, but I feel super overwhelmed by everything in life right now. Is it still procrastination when I have three kids that need something every minute? We are leaving tomorrow morning for a camping trip in Colorado. So this week has been crazy busy trying to get things organized and packed and washed, etc. Not to mention my dad is here to lay down new flooring, so on top of everything else I have to empty shelves and find places to stack endless books and misc. items, because I like to collect little odds and ends, which now I am second guessing. On top of EVERYTHING I am trying to accomplish, I still have school stuff that I have to do...which is where the procrastination part comes in. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day, or really I'm having a hard time managing my time well enough to fit in everything I have to do. Camping is coming at a very difficult time. So needless to say, I am not looking forward to our camping trip at this precise moment in time, but I'm sure that once we are there and settled, and I have finished a couple of assignments, I will enjoy it. Then it will be time to pack up everything and load it all up and drive home. I'm not looking forward to that part either. I'm not trying to sound negative, it's just how I feel right now I guess. I have a lot on my plate. I guess that's the life of a mother of three little ones who decided to go to graduate school. Sometimes (like now) I wonder what I was thinking. All I know is that I am doing what God has planned. I admit somedays (like the past week) I don't do it well, but I know I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. So in those crazy moments that seem to be constant, I need to take a "time out" and talk with God to regain my purpose and perspective. It is when I am focused on the Lord, then I will be able to accomplish the tasks he has put before me successfully, and feel at peace.

Happy Birthday!

Well, my oldest boy turned seven yesterday. Wow! How the time just flies. I am very proud of the little boy he is and I'm confident that he will grow into a mighty young man. It seems crazy that seven years ago he first entered the world. When I get caught up in the day to day stuff , my life seems like how it has always been. It isn't until I have a quiet minute to sit down that I reflect on all the incredible experiences that I have gone through, giving birth to my first child being one of the big ones. Three kids later, I am definately a changed person from the new mother I once was. As they get older, children become more independent. It's not that my responsiblity as a mom changes, it's just that at times I feel that I'm not "as needed" as I once was. I think it is "that feeling" of having to take care of someone who is completely dependent on me, that makes me want another baby. Then I stop daydreaming and come back to the "real world" where kids are fighting and toys are all over the floor....am I crazy for wanting another one? who knows. I put that decision in the Lords hands. Yes, I am completely blessed with my three children and I know they are special gifts, and I am incredibly lucky to be their mother. As much as they make me crazy sometimes, they have made me into the person I am now and I thank God for that.

Just another monday morning

Well today has been a learning experience. It is much easier to just tell the kids what we are going to do rather than ask them what they think, because now I get three different opinions/arguments in return. Not all of them will be happy with my choices, but you know what...I am the mama, they will just have to get over it. And they eventually do end up having a little bit of fun.

So today we went to the goodwill to drop off stuff, we proceeded inside to have a look around and the kids came out with some goodies. We then went to sams club to get dogfood, there was some complaining, but we got through that too. We headed to the library but it wasn't open yet, so we went over to the animal shelter and played with the kitty cats. Avery did not want to leave. And we found an adorable beagle that we just had to just play with. Then we went back to the library, the kids got books, Luke and Avery signed up for the summer reading program. I had been promising (bribing) them donuts throughout our errand running, so now finally it is 1:30 and they are having donuts for lunch. Whatever works.

So that was our morning.

Now I am trying to plan fun things for them to do throughout the week, so we are not always sitting at home and stuck inside because it's so darn hot out. We did get out our little plastic pool, and that was fun for a day. So our weekday plans will consist of hitting up the movie theater at the mall in Temecula, they have $1 kids movies (tues, wed, thurs 9:30 am). I'd like to get to the library one day, and I have been wanting to check out Dejong Dairy in Wildomar. We will make sure to throw in a pool day or head down to the beach one day.

It all sounds good, let's see how well my plan gets executed.

*complaining kids aside, I know that I am incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to stay home with them...and I woulndn't change it for the world.

Happiness

Lately I have really been trying to figure out what it is that makes me truly happy. Well, maybe really it's been what it is that God really wants me to be doing. Because if i am following God's plan for my life, then I should be happy right? I tend to take too many things on, put too much on my plate, and then freak out because I am overwhelmed. I want a simple life, when I daydream I think of living out in the country and being able to look for miles and not see a single home or freeway or shopping mall. Just seeing the land. That is relaxing to me, closing my eyes and picturing God's creation. You know, I think that it is by divine intervention that those are the thoughts I have. My creator knew me before I was born. He has the ultimate plan for my life and right now, to have the simple life I desire, all I have to do is let God have control. All I have to do is talk with Him and listen to what he has planned for me. All I have to do is give Him my worry. A simple life is living the way God wants me to live and trusting Him that He will take care of all my needs.

Letting go and letting God

I don't know what to title this post...my brian is tired and I am emotionally exhausted. I do feel much better than I did this morning thanks to my small group at women's bible study. I have just been feeling lately that I'm not doing what God has planned for me, but today He showed me that I am.

I observed in a special ed class yesterday as a requirement for one of my classes. All I can say is that God made very special people to do that job. I was only there for 2 hours and I was done. I felt like crying. I thought to myself "what am I doing getting myself into this field?" Am I crazy? I have felt pretty crazy lately. But now I feel confident that yes...this is what I am meant to do.

I have realized that when things get tough or difficult, that's the enemy trying to put doubt in my mind. God is trying to grow me and make me stronger. All I can do is put all my faith and trust in Him, and know that I am following the path He has already laid out for me. I find comfort in knowing that God already has my future planned. It is a daily struggle letting go of all my worry and stress, and giving it to God to take care of. That's what He wants me to do....to really let go. It's scary.

I know I am never alone, God is always watching over me. As much as I love my children, He loves me a million times more.

What an Awesome God He is!

Girl Time

This morning I had breakfast with three of my girls from high school and it was so nice to spend girl time together just talking and catching up with out kids running around distracting us. We don't get together as often as I'd like so hopefully we can make that more of a priority. They remind me who I am and it's so comfortable to just "be" with them.

Ice Cream Cones

Now my life is far from perfect, I hardly have 'perfect' days, but yesterday was one of those days that just made all the others worth it. It started out pretty normal. I have been trying to get up a little earlier to have my alone time with God, and it has been difficult (i might have to go to bed a little earlier still). My alarm is set for 6:45 but I seem to not hear it until around 7:20 ish...so I read my little daily devotional, a chapter or two in my Bible (I am trying to read it all the way through) and pray. It's close to 8:00 and I find myself still rushing to get kids dressed and fed and myself dressed as well. Needless to say there has been some spiritual warfare going on here and it has taken its toll, yesterday morning included (but not as bad as the day before). Okay so I have the three kids in the car and we aren't as late as we normally are, so that's a plus, I drop off my oldest and his buddy, and I keep the two younger ones. We go to get an oil change (oh so fun) and run one other place, then I take them to the park near our house. They need to run around. The park is something that I don't do nearly enough, I figure we have a big enough yard for them to play in, but the park is special. Okay, so we come home, have a little lunch, small one takes a nap (after crying for who knows how long) and the girl watches a Disney movie (my saving grace). Fast forward to dinner time, Chad goes off to bowling, I make dinner for the four of us, we all sit at the table, which is not a common practice, then it's out to play. The dishes wait. The kids run around for a bit, I water and pull up some dead plants to return...and now the point of my story. Ice cream cones on the porch. Three children, two dogs and one mommy enjoying the cool of the evening and eating ice cream on our porch. It was just a nice ending to my somewhat hectic day. Just that moment put peace in my heart. Then it turned chaotic again with bathtime (they were filthy!) and bedtime. Eventually they all fell asleep and again I stayed up way too late and didn't want to get up again this morning. Maybe tomorrow will be a different story.

*I take photos specifically to blog about (this post included) but you know the time just gets away from me and they are still on my camera...maybe someday)

Being a Mommy is Tiring

I woke up this morning exhausted, my body just ached. And I didn't do anything crazy. So I reflected...I think why my days get so overwhelming is that I'm trying to do too much right from the start, and they can be overwhelming from the moment I open my eyes and am bombarded by three very awake children. Now if I would just go to bed a little earlier, and not get sucked into watching tv, then I could quite possibly wake up a little earlier and have some alone time to do what I need to do, before the hooligans get up. It's like I have zero time for myself during the day, except naptimes which are getting shorter and shorter, to do anyting productive. Then I feel guilty for not making time to read my Bible and have quiet time with God, because if I wait and not do it in the morning (because I am sleeping) then it doesn't get done...I run out of hours in the day. And it's totally my fault, I just need to switch things up a bit and prioritze, especially being back in school again. My life is just going to get more chaotic if I don't nip this in the bud.

So this is my plan:
1. Go to bed one hour earlier
2. Wake up one hour earlier

...we shall see how this goes

on another note, how come crying children can be so frustrating, especially when I am trying to do something? I just want to put him in the hallway and close my door...is that wrong? At times I am guilty of just that...at this moment however I think that I may choose differenlty, he is looking at me with a sad little face and saying "mommy" so needily....although normally I can't stand whining (it totally just makes me crazy) I will go to him and give him a little love. Oh look, he has gotten over it and is off the bed and wandering into his sissys room to cause havoc. I love you boy! Thank goodness for Disney movies (for the girl)...I can get many a thing accomplished when I put one in and she is entertained for a while...and now Cindrella is over and they both are calling my name informing me that the movie is over, two against one, they win.

too much stuff!

I have a total issue with shopping. Spending money is my vice. It's definately something that I need the Lord's help with. Now it's not like I go to expensive department stores or fancy boutiques or anything. I'm not going out and buying a $500 pair of shoes, I just go to normal places to get regular stuff; target, wal mart, the grocery store, goodwill. But it's like I always find something that I can't live without, I have to have it, and I hate that feeling. It's like the devil is whispering in my ear 'oh you can't live without that, buy it now or someone else will, it's so cute, you have to have it'. And then I get home and feel guilty, so what do I do? I go and return it (which totally drives my husband insane). He tells me it's a sickness and I need help:) Lovingly of course. I go leave the house with lmy shopping lists; specific things in mind and I usually come out way over doing it. Why can't I just stick to the lis? What can Ireally not live without? How much of what I buy is actually necessity? No wonder my kids are always asking for stuff; we live in a society that is always telling us we need to have this or that, we need the new better bigger whatever. My kids watch tv in the morning and I am getting so sick of hearing all the commercials advertising all this junk...and then my kids say 'oh I want this, I want that'. We learn at such a young age to "want stuff". My daughter is 3. Do we need it? NO!. "Oh so and so has this, I need to get this too". I'm trying to teach them to be grateful for what they have, but I guess it's learn by example because most of the time I totally miss the grateful bus. We go through their toys when we have garage sales or to take stuff to the thrift store and sometimes it's hard for me to get rid of some of their stuff. I want my kids to be happy but really happiness is not measured by how much stuff we collect. And really the only thing that we truly need is God, everthing else is worldly stuff. He will provide for our needs, He loves us unconditionally...we don't need to have the newest bigger faster anything. He just wants us to have a relationship with him, serve him, love him and love others. I am naturally self centered, there's no two ways about it, it is so hard sometimes (most times) to put my needs/wants aside and put myself out there to help someone else unselfishly. Our God is awesome, and when I push away all the self-centeredness and bless someone else with a joyful heart, He will then bless me. That is what I want to teach my kids, and it's totally a struggle because I'm still learning.

My Girls

I'm so grateful for good friends. Close friendships are hard for me to form. It wasn't until I started attending church again that I have made some good friends, I'm the type of person who has a few REALLY close friends, not a million of buddies. I have known my bff's since elementary and middle school. And even though we don't talk or see eachother all the time when we do get together it's like no time has passed. I know that we are all busy with our own stuff and it's hard to coordinate schedules but a day doesn't go by that my girls aren't in my thoughts. They all have been a part of my life for so long that my life seriously would not be the same without them. They know who I really am and I can be myself around them, it's just comfortable. Like old sweats:) Don't you like being compared to ratty old clothing? I love all my girls so much, another chapter of our lives is beginning and I look forward to all the fun we will have raising our families together. You know who you are...I love you!

Back to School

Oh I woke up nervous. I had that weird feeling in my tummy and then I started to freak out just a bit. What the heck am I thinking, I get stressed and overwhelmed with my life the way it is and now I'm thinking that I can add going back to school in the mix. Holy cow! If it were doing this on my own strength than I would surely fail, I would go to the first class and decide this is not right for my life right now, or I wouldn't even go at all. But it's not by my strength that I am pursuing this, it is not just my plan or my idea. I prayed about this decision constantly, checking in with God making sure that this is what I am meant to be doing at this time in my life, with three small children. I got into the masters program at Cal Baptist at the very last minute, and there was a small chance that I wouldn't even get to start this semester because of all the paperwork that needed to be turned in. At every hiccup I thought to myself, oh well, did I really want to do this now...the Lord has different plans for me, everything went through on time, I am currently waiting to find out about my financial aid, but other than that I am accepted and enrolled and I start class tonight. Just thinking about it makes me all light headed with butterflies in my stomach. What am I doing?! As women we are identified by our many different hats; wife, mother, daughter, sister,friend,teacher,student, etc. It is exhausting if I try to identify myself by each of these separately, not to mention impossible. I'm reading this great book written by Christine Caine, she wrote "...if I allow all the different roles to define me instead of who I truly am in Christ defining them, I'm going to get all messed up." I'm going to fail if I try to do this all on my own, who I really am can only be found in Christ. There are all these definitions of me, but the only one that truly matters is the way I am defined by Jesus Christ. So in order to get through this crazy, insane, impossible time in my life I have to stop, slow down, and get back to who I am in Jesus' eyes...a uniquely, wonderfully made girl of God. I was made for a specific purspose, God chose me before I was born, he knew the accomplishments I would make, and the struggles I would go through, and as long as I stay close to Him and put all my trust and faith in Him, I can do anything! How awesome is that. I still feel weak and shakey, but I know that this is what I am called to do and in all things I will glorify God...even though I'm scared. Not knowing what is going to happen is terrifying. I am totally out of my comfot zone right now and I really don't like it. But I have an amazing God who is holding out his arms just in case I start to fall, he will catch me and keep me and love me and give me strength to go on. Maybe it's not all nerves.and fear..there might be a little excitement in there too. Thank you Lord for allowing me to start this next chapter in my life.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you, he will neither fail you or abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8

"The eternal God is your refuge and his everlasting arms are under you. He drives out the enemy before you; He cries out, 'Destroy Them!' Deuteronomy 33:27

These verses totally shot out to me this morning when I was trying to figure out with the Lord what I was thinking. How cool is it that we have the Lord's Word right at our fingertips, to turn to for comfort and direction. All I have to do is belive and follow the direction, which is hard to do most times. Thank goodness we have a forgiving God who is always for us.

Short and sweet

I am ready to turn in for the night but I needed to write a little something. Guess what?! My house is still dirty, the dishes are done though. It's so hard to "do it all"...I am starting school tomorrow and I am scared, and anxious and nervous...and about a million other emotions. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...Luv ya Good night

WOW

It's late and I am exhausted but I needed to write just a little note about the incredible time I had at Women Rock conference in San Bernadino. I went with amazing women, the speakers were awesome, and the church was BEAUTIFUL...and totally huge. It was so amazing...if you haven't heard of Christine Caine, check her out!!!! I can't think of words to describe her...she is real, passionate, hardcore for Jesus...I totally love her, I bought her book and can't wait to start reading it. The other speakers were phenomenal as well, Sam Chand and Deborah Pegues, both worthy of checking out. This is the first women's conference I've been to and I am definately psyched to go again, I can't wait for next year...I am totally there!

Friday...Yeah!

Do you ever have those mornings when things just start off on the wrong note? It's like I was awakened by whining, and crying, and little brother biting big sister...And now I have to get up, get three kids breakfast and make sure one of them gets dressed, brushes his teeth and is ready for school (the other two get to stay home today). And it's my week for driving carpool in the mornings so now it's 8:30 and I'm trying to round up the three wild ones and get them out the door...along with two dogs. I'm at home now after going through stuff for a garage sale...rearranging things from garage to my sewing room...while the younger two are supposed to be watching tv (because it is on) but instead it seems to be more fun to get into my fabric and mess around with my sewing machine. Who's bright idea was it to leave them in there unsupervised anyway? Well they have had lunch, and I've threatened once or twice to put the youngest down for a nap...but then I check emails and then get sucked into the blogging world and looking at other peoples awesome blogs. So what do I do now....start blogging and one little boy is still not down for a nap...And the little girl keeps informing me that there is a bug in her room. So I must come to the rescue....Ah I killed the little bugger. The two of them are again playing nicely in her room for the moment. Now while I'm thinking that I should rock my little one so he can go to sleep for a couple hours, I am also making a list of the million other things that I should be doing...dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping and vaccuming (I can never remember how to spell that) and let's not forget dusting. But then I start thinking, you know I am just going to make more dishes, there will be more laundry to do tomorrow and there is endless dirt getting tracked into the house with three little whippersnappers and two crazy mutts. So now I have decided to live with a dirty house and to just put the boy to bed...I will get to everything else tomorrow...maybe:) oh and I thought I should mention that my two little love bugs are still in there pajamas and I have yet to brush my teeth (if you think that's gross oh well). It's been one of those days, and really I wouldn't change it for the world. I know I am blessed to be a mother, even though I sometimes feel like pulling out my hair. The sweet, quiet, snuggly, I love you, moments make it all worth it. I thank God for my family everyday (in my heart if I'm too overwhelmed to consiously remember) He knows. He always knows. He gives me the strength to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. Now really my son needs to take a nap.

Yeah for Oranges

My little helper

I am so excited that our little tree is starting to grow little oranges. I was a little worried about it for a while thinking that it wasn't doing so hot, but it seems to be thriving. We will see once those little suckers get bigger. I can't wait! It's so neat being able to grow food that we enjoy. We have already had yummy apples and apricots, hopefully these oranges will be just as good. Chad built me a couple raised garden beds for us to start growing some veggies and herbs, that will be a fun little experiment. It's so nice being outside with the kids (when it's not 100 degrees out), letting them run around and play...and even helping a little in the garden. They all love to water...mostly they just like playing with the hose I'm sure, but every little bit helps.